Five Icebreakers You Should Probably Never Use (But Sadly, Some People Have)

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There are a lot of awkward moments that come from online dating and breaking the ice is no exception. Initiating a conversation with anyone, online or in person, is always a daunting task. It takes some work to concoct the perfect greeting. You want to be charming, you want to be funny, but you never, under any circumstances, want to be creepy. Here are a few examples of some major icebreaker fails. Ladies & gentlemen, please do not try these at home…

1. “Hey, have you ever been hypnotized? I’d love to try it on you!”

Um, what? No, I haven’t been hypnotized before but sure, I’ll let a random stranger from the internet sedate me into a deep sleep where I have literally zero control over my body. That sounds like a logical idea. You’re probably better off just flat out asking to roofie me next time, bro.

2. “You wanna suck my big **** tonight?”

Wow, let’s see here…for starters, hell no. I mean, what is the actual success rate with this line? What self-respecting woman is sitting there checking her phone and is like, “Oh, my God! A fine young suitor has contacted me on Tinder and wants to know if I would like the pleasure of suckling on his oversized penis tonight! I have found my Prince Charming once and for all!” Dream on, homeboy. Nobody’s sucking anything with attitude. And PS, you’re a little overzealous using the word, “big.”

3. “Hi, my name Saad. I 28 and live in Morocco. Me love to get to know you if you give me chance? HMU if interested.”

I’m sorry, Saad, but it is quite difficult to get to know someone via text when we clearly don’t speak the same language. Might I suggest jetting on over to the local market there in Morocco, grabbing a Rosetta Stone and then ‘HMU’ when you can construct an actual sentence.

4. “On a scale of 1 to 10 you’re a 9…and I’m the 1 you need.”

Pump the brakes y’all, we have a mathmagician on our hands! First of all let’s get one thing straight here: I am a 10. Secondly, who taught you to use that line? Because they should be taken out back and shot. No woman wants to be hit on with a backhanded compliment. ‘Yeah, you’re hot but you know what would make you even hotter? Me.’ NEXT!

5. “I’m married but I won’t tell my wife I’m here if you won’t ;)”

You know what, dude? Just do the world a favor and go kill yourself. You are married and have no qualms about me knowing but honesty is such a great quality in a man that I’m going to overlook it. Except not. Shame on you for being a piece of sh*t but no worries, I won’t tell your wife. Because any man who is dumb enough to run around on his wife is dumb enough to get caught on his own.

Overall, online dating isn’t always this bad. These are just a few examples of the extreme, nonsensical and actual messages that I have received in my short time dabbling with it. I understand it’s hard to make the first move, even if that ‘move’ is simply sending a message on a screen. You’re trying to be perceived as appealing and even funny but sometimes that sarcasm is hard to detect—especially straight out of the gate. Whatever you say to someone, make sure it’s NEVER one of the aforementioned; stick with something short and to the point. Let them know you want to be someone they can hang out with, not someone they’ll find hiding in their bushes outside their bedroom window.

Cheers,
KG

(Photo Credit: Stevendepolo, Flickr)

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