The Massive Match

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This story comes to us from a sweet southern boy we’ll call Jed. It’s about a Match.com date that proves you can’t always judge a book by its cover.

I decided to start online dating after several relationships gone horribly wrong. I was tired of the rich Bama brats who thought they were not only better than me but also only cared about price tags. I thought Match would help me filter these women out.

I started chatting up this one beautiful woman, The Massive Match. This southern belle had the sweetest smile, beautiful baby blues and delightful dimples to boot. We immediately hit it off and it was a nice change of pace from the shallow southern Alabama ladies I usually meet.

After a couple of weeks of getting to know one another via Match messages, phone calls and texting, we decided to hit up my favorite local bar for a drink. I was nervous but more than that I was excited. We both loved football, were proud southerners and had similar family backgrounds — all of which are very important to me.

I walked into the bar and immediately spotted the MM. She had the same beautiful face from her photos but I instantly knew why all of her profile pictures were only images from the neck up. Instead of the 120-pound lady I had imagined, a 300-pound woman sat before me. I had two options. I could sit down, pay for her drinks, enjoy some nice conversation and then leave or…I could run.

I stood there and debated my next move. Before you hate me, I don’t discriminate. I’ve dated women of all ethnicities, of all social statuses, of all shapes and sizes — but it boils down to attraction. I was not attracted to the MM in the least, but being the nice guy that I am, I decided to stay put.

We ended up having a great time! Our drinks were delicious, our chat was fun and we could have been fast friends but one cocktail led to two led to 12.

Before I knew it, we were back at my aunt and uncle’s mansion overlooking the city. We started making out with this beautiful view in the background. My sense of judgement was left somewhere in that last glass of Jack Daniels and Ginger Ale and one thing led to another…

The MM suggested a swim. What do you do when you don’t have a bathing suit? Go skinny dipping, of course! What could possibly go wrong? The MM was totally feeling the Jed charm and I didn’t stop her from taking complete advantage of me. We had a wild sexual encounter right there in that swimming pool. Afterwards I knew I was in trouble…she had feelings I just didn’t share.

The fun doesn’t stop there. We said our goodbyes and I helped MM into a taxi before slipping into one of the guest bedrooms at my aunt and uncle’s house.

“JED!”

My Aunt Alice woke me up bright and early the next morning, despite my pounding headache. I waltzed into the kitchen and saw her and my uncle standing there with smug smiles across their faces.

“We want to show you something,” they said.

So they led me to a small room that houses all their home security equipment. After all, what’s a multi million dollar home without security cameras? Problem was after a lot of Jack Daniels, I hadn’t thought about this during our swimming pool scenario.

Aunt Alice and Uncle Uba had a 20-minute video of MM and I doing the deed right there in their swimming pool. As if it wasn’t embarrassing enough already, I had to share the moment with two of my closest family members. Luckily, they didn’t make me watch the entire clip — just enough for them to properly harass me as I hung my head in shame.

I gathered my clothes from the night before as quickly as I could and began my walk of shame towards my apartment. The MM taught me a serious lesson about online dating: ALWAYS ask for a full body photo.

-Jed

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2 thoughts on “The Massive Match

  1. I have had similar experiences…maybe not such an extreme misrepresentation (well – just one which you can read about here if you like: http://wp.me/p3SI98-s) but generally there have been lots of guys I’ve slept with where they just disappear the next day (as do I, sometimes) because really, it ended up being just about sex, not real attraction. Did you ever text her again?

    • Ann, thanks for the comment and for reading! I think this was one of those “just about sex” cases and to my understanding, Jed didn’t end up texting the MM again. We can’t wait to read your post! Thanks again!

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