In honor of Tinder Tuesday, I bring to you my most random Tinder encounter yet. I’ve been chatting it up with this cute, sweet, funny guy for a few days and he casually drops, “Let’s make out,” into our morning conversation. Most of the time this type of comment would freak me out (maybe it was the lack of sleep or the leftover adrenaline from coming off a fabulous vacation) but I decided to jump in and see if this guy was just all talk or really was bringing his A game. After all, I love a guy with confidence!
After feeling the situation out for an hour – yes, a whole hour – and figuring out this guy was for real, I decided to go for it. But don’t worry, I fully Facebook-stalked him and we texted each other pictures of ourselves so we wouldn’t find ourselves in a catfish situation. I took all the normal precautions (aside from actually establishing a relationship with this guy beforehand) that are acceptable in the digital dating age we live in and then off I went, before I had time to talk myself out of it!
I was texting Dame Dessa the whole way. I knew this was crazy and there was a 50/50 chance this would turn into just another Tinder Tragedy but oh well. Isn’t life supposed to be about spontaneity? A million thoughts were running through my head in that seven minute drive but mostly I just couldn’t stop giggling. This was the most random, crazy thing I’ve done in awhile. It was thrilling!
I pull into our meeting space, call the guy up and he starts walking to my car. When he gets there I immediately notice his gorgeous blue eyes. A dark haired man with blue eyes will get me every time! But the closer I started to look, the more I realized he looked like my long-term boyfriend from college. Red Flag #1.
We start the awkward small talk and it comes out that this guy is… wait for it… a VIRGIN. I immediately stuck my foot in my mouth and said, “Wait, you mean you’re an actual virgin? And you’re 28? So you’re working on your 40-year-old-virgin look?” It was in poor taste but I had word vomit and couldn’t contain myself. Red Flag #2.
Since we were already there I decided to say screw it and kissed him anyways. Who knows, right? Maybe there’s a prince underneath this really weird, virgin, ex-look alike! Wrong. Wrong, wrong, wrong. He couldn’t kiss. He had HORRIBLE breath (I told him to stop and get gum on the way, I attempted to prevent this from happening!) and kept sticking his tongue down my ear — and not cute nibbles on or around my ear. This guy was deep sea diving to the depths of my ears. Red Flag #3.
I’m completely grossed out at this point, not to mention I feel like I’m taking advantage of this poor little virgin (no offense anyone) who has NO idea what he’s doing with the ladies. I tried to stop and make small talk not once, but twice, and each time he would pull me back down to try and play tonsil hockey.
As if I needed one more sign that this guy was totally out of his league, he unzipped his pants and tried to get me to massage his gentlemanly parts. HELL-TO-THE-NOOOOO! I made up some story about having to get run errands for work – this all happened on my lunch break mind you – and got him out of my car as fast as I could. Red Flag #4 and he’s outta there (not that I needed four…).
I wish I could say the story ended there… I left and headed back to work, immediately called up Dame Dessa and told her my hilariously horrifying story only to get a text message from the Make-out Bandit asking about the size of his you-know-what. Seriously?? I’m sorry but if you have to ask……..
He’s proceeded to text me continuously since then – I mean, I do have it going on and all – and has asked to see me tonight. I’m sorry but the poor kid doesn’t stand a chance.
So, there’s my Tinder Tragedy for this week’s edition of Tinder Tuesday.
– Searching Stella
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