The OkCupid Catfish


In this whole online dating debacle, I’ve learned one thing more so than anything else: go into every date with an open mind. After growing a little bored of Tinder and swiping through all the guys on Tryst, I downloaded OkCupid. The app is less than user-friendly and so I soon started diving into my ‘Quick Matches.’ One star here, two stars there — most of the guys in my area aren’t attractive – at all. Finally, I settled upon one that had great hair, perfect teeth and looked like an all-around fun guy in his photos. I gave him three stars. Finally! 

After he got the notification that I had viewed his profile (annoying little OkCupid feature), he sent me a message. It wasn’t until then that I looked at his full profile (it doesn’t pop up in its entirety when you’re looking at Quick Matches on the app). I then saw his age…dun dun dunnnn…

Almost five years younger than me — aka five years too young for me. I knew this was a bad idea as soon as we started exchanging messages. His first message was short and sweet and showed that he’d actually read my profile (unlike what I did…oops).

We sent messages for a couple weeks — discussing vague interests like music and films and then what we were currently doing with our lives (or in his case, what he wanted to do…post graduation). We had these small interests in common but I knew that we were in completely different parts of our lives. He was still finishing college, learning about himself and playing the “college kid” role while I was in full on adult mood. But then again, he was super cute. And those teeth! So I kept the conversation flowing…

Eventually, my OkCupid College Cutie asked me out. We made plans to get coffee a week later when we were both free. We messaged on the app a few times before the scheduled date and things were still going really well — he was even a little funny. But I couldn’t get past that age thing.

When the coffee date rolled around, I got ready really slowly and my negative attitude started to kick in. I knew this wouldn’t end up being a relationship. I figured it would probably go bad. I knew I’d probably be bored. I figured he wouldn’t be as cute as his photos. Every half-empty thought I could possibly was filling my mind.

I headed to the coffee shop first to grab a cappuccino and get some work done until he showed up. I hid in the back of the restaurant (I hate when I’m meeting a “blind date” and people around know what’s going on. Awkward.) and worked on my laptop until I heard my name. It was him and I was not impressed.

The OkCupid College Cutie looked nothing like his photos. From greasy hair to acne scars to yellow teeth, it was all wrong. He was not the guy in the photos that he posted. I can only assume it was an unknowing attractive friend that he’d stolen the photos from. Not to mention, he was dressed like the college kid  that he was. Holy denim jeans, a red and white stripped hoodie and a whitewashed denim jacket on top of that (I don’t need a guy wearing designer duds but I’m not looking for an hipster with too much hair gel.

He sat down and immediately started rattling off question after question after question. “What’s your favorite movie?” “What’s your favorite color?” “What’s your favorite black and white movie?” “What’s your favorite sequel to a movie?”

Calm. Down. He couldn’t form actually intelligent conversations but he was a whiz at blabbering off meaningless questions. I had to have looked disinterested, as hard as I tried to engage in conversation. I was constantly being distracted by more exciting things happening at every other table. It was that bad.

Eventually, I used the excuse that I had to get back to work and he got the hint and left me to meet my deadlines. I haven’t heard from the OkCupid Catfish since our date, but I can’t say I’m surprised. I bet the table next to us even found it uncomfortable! I know a large part of my inability to enjoy myself was because of my Negative Nancy attitude leading up to our encounter, but it would have never worked with him anyways. Next time, I’ll try and keep a more open mind so I don’t accidentally annoy Mr. Right (when I find him).

Dame Dessa


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