List of Requirements


By now most of you know that I’m in Alcoholics Anonymous – see Sober Dating in a Drinking World – and am also divorced – see Dating After Divorce – so dating for me is no easy task. Plus on top of all of that I’m a single mom. It’s like the anti-dating trifecta. Could things be more difficult? Actually forget I said that.. it’s like an open invitation for complications. Either way, while working through my steps my sponsor had me do an exercise that has helped me identify what I do and don’t want in a partner. I call it my list of requirements.

You definitely don’t have to be in the AA/NA program to benefit from making a list of your own. You can write the list in any format you choose. I remember when I first started it was hard for me to pinpoint what I was looking for in a partner.. it was actually easier for me to identify what I didn’t want and that eventually led me to what my preferences actually are.

I’ll share some of mine with you so you can see what I’m talking about. Keep in mind these are in no particular order:

– must have a job, car, and own place (you’d be surprised at my past relationships how many men didn’t have one or more of those things)

– must be financially stable ON HIS OWN

– must have a sense of humor and understand sarcasm

– taller than me (sorry but it’s true)

– be supportive of my hopes and dreams

– good with kids

– reliable

– comfortable in his own skin

Trust me this is only part of my list. Once I started listing out what I didn’t like my pen wouldn’t stop writing. One of the most important things to remember when making a list – if you decide to do so – is to do it while you’re single. Otherwise your list will start to look just like the person you’re dating.

The most beneficial part of having this list handy is when I see John Smith who doesn’t have a car, can’t make me laugh and still lives at home with his parents and I start to lust over him I can self-check myself. I bust out my list and realize he’s not at all what I’m ideally looking for in a potential partner. Granted, nobody is perfect and I may never meet anyone who fully meets every requirement on my list but I do believe there’s somebody out there who meets the majority of my ideal items.

It can’t hurt to be hopeful, right?

Happy Dating!

– Searching Stella


8 thoughts on “List of Requirements

  1. Lili Marleen

    Hello Stella,

    Wow, you too! Same here. AA member since 2005 and went through a whole process in changing my behavior with respect to men and dating.

    I, too, had a list. A very long one, as the women in the program suggestsed. And I took a break, quite a long one, which was very, very necessary.

    You’ve been reaading some of my blog posts, I think, and I hope you’ve been finding them helpful. I just wanted to respond to your Tweet that said your blog needed some love today. It look as if it’s nowhere near in as much need of love as mine, but it’s probably been around for a little longer.

    I would suggest certain posts in my blog to you, but I don’t know if that’s proper etiquette.

    Anyway, I wanted to express my support and will read more, when I have more time (I’m working 60 hour weeks in my day job right now).

    Best wishes,

    Lili Marleen

    • Thank you SO much for reading! It really amazes me how much hearing from another person in AA provides support & relief. I’ll definitely go back & read some of your posts, I’m always looking for others in the program so we can love & support each other!

      • Lili Marleen

        Thank you — I feel so much exactly the same way!!!

        I think you will especially enjoy:
        The Kryptonite Trap
        The Knight in Shining Armor post and
        The 12 Steps of Dating

        I would love to hear your opinion on everything you read.

        Thanks so much!!!

      • Lili Marleen

        Sure. I’d love to. What are your requirements for guest posts?

        If you see something you like in my blog you like and think your readers would enjoy it, let’s talk!

      • Lili Marleen

        Ok. That sounds great.

        I personally think The Kryptonite Trap is one of my best, and of course The 12 Steps of Dating make a lot of sense in recovery terms, but just let me know which one you want to use.

        All my posts have a recovery/personal responsibility spin. That’s just what I’m all about.

        Will you post my name and link to my website, or how does it work?

        I really can’t wait to read more of your stuff, when I have more time! Glad I found you.

      • Lili Marleen

        Hey again. Somehow my response to this didn’t post.

        Just let me know which one(s) you’d like to use.

        How to you attribute them? Will there be a link to my blog, as well?

        Are you in the UK? Curious . . . .

        Best wishes!

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